A brief synopsis

Well, I am new to this, but am going to give it my best shot. I suppose I should give a bit of background information. First, my name is Trish and I am married to TJ and between us we have 5 children, a dog, and a grandson. More...
Last September, TJ asked me for a divorce. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. We had been having many disagreements over how best to discipline the children and the fact I didn't think he was being consistent enough in his parenting. I never suspected it had reached the point of him wanting a divorce though. Over the next couple of weeks I started working on getting my nursing license re-instated. TJ came home one morning from work and stated that it wouldn't be easy but if I were willing that he was willing to work on our marriage. I was so happy. I talked to our pastor, Debra, and she suggested that we work on trying to just spend some quality time together instead of what I wanted to do which was immediately create a list and spend time talking and trying to figure it all out. We had our first date night and it went well. We didn't discuss any of our problems and I planned a date night for the next Friday. Needless to say I pushed. About a week to ten days later I felt TJ withdraw again. After several attempts to try to talk, he would simply say that he felt I had gotten the wrong idea when he said he wanted to try to work it out. I told him that I had gotten the impression that we both had things we needed to work on separately as well as working on our marriage. He said that was basically what he had meant. Days and weeks passed and I kept trying to make a connection. It seemed the more I tried the more TJ withdrew. I ached inside because I could see he was really hurting. He seemed to think less and less of himself each day. Christmas approached and I wanted to make it special even though financially we weren't in the best place. I had never had a real Christmas tree and I found out that TJ preferred them, so we got a cut tree. It was fun working on ornaments with the boys. In fact the boys decorated the tree after TJ and I placed the lights and I decorated the hearth. It was beautiful. TJ kept saying he didn't like Christmas because of all the commercialism involved, so I tried really hard for that not to be a focus. The real reason for the season is the birth of Jesus and that's what I wanted to focus on. I was disappointed because it was to be a Christmas where I was travelling alone to Kentucky to be with my family. Well, I took the boys with me, but not my TJ. We came home on Saturday evening and then on that Sunday, TJ told me it wasn't working for him. I asked him to wait until we had celebrated Christmas with the boys so their Christmas wouldn't be spoiled. He agreed. We went to Peggy's the next Saturday to celebrate with them there. It was a difficult time for me because no one knew he had said he no longer wanted to work on things. Anyway, we celebrated Christmas with the boys and the next Saturday they were talking about pooling their money together and buying a Wii system. I asked TJ if he thought we should go ahead and tell the boys to keep them from getting their hopes up. He agreed. I went through to prepare breakfast and he came in to help. I was upset and trying to keep myself together, so he asked what was wrong. We ended up in an argument because he couldn't understand why I was so upset. He felt I should have already dealt with all the negative emotions earlier. I told him I wasn't happy, that I didn't agree that the marriage was over and that I wasn't going to let him say that he had honestly tried to make it work. I pointed out that he had come to me and said he wanted to try and he had lied to me. He hadn't tried. Anyway, he told them and I pretty much sat and cried. The boys tried to comfort me, love their hearts. I told TJ I needed some time and packed a suitcase. I went to Charleston, SC and spent the night. The next morning I went to walk on the beach at Folly Beach. I wanted so desperately to run and not look back. It took all my strength not to just walk out into the ocean, not because I wanted to die but because I didn't want to face what awaited me at home. I kept praying and called my friend, Sara, who told me I was more than welcome to come and stay with her and her family for as long as I needed. I told thank you, but I just didn't know. I kept praying. I left the beach and just rode around for a bit. My friend, Michelle, called and talked to me and I told her I just didn't know what I was going to do. I wanted to run and not look back. That had always been my "go to" in times of trouble. I kept praying and finally reached a point of feeling the peace of God. I knew I needed to get out of the situation I was in and that TJ needed some space. I called Sara back and told her I would be coming the next day to spend some time with her. She said anytime. I travelled back home and felt the most peace I had felt in ages. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got home and told TJ what I had discovered. He seemed upset and angry that I was going to move out. He asked if I would stay a couple of weeks longer and I told him I couldn't give him two weeks but I would stay a week longer. I called Sara back and told her and she said that actually would give them a bit more time to get things organized. I stayed that week and tried to take care of some business. I continued feeling at peace even though I was so very sad. I didn't want to leave my family. The next Monday arrived and Brayden and I left with the van loaded amidst tears and promises that I would see the boys again on Thursday. Getting into that van and driving off was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Brayden and I got to South Carolina and started to get settled in. Sara and Eddie and Matthew were all so gracious and supportive. I felt very welcomed. Anyway, Fridays and Sundays have been the most difficult days. I had received an answer to my prayer for peace, yet I still felt so sad. I kept praying and asking for God to help me. The next items are a summary of the passages which have been given to me by God to help me. I will separate them and put the dates I first felt them speaking directly to me. After catching up from the past week I will try to post daily. Thank you for your patience. God bless you!

Saturday, January, 24, 2009:
TJ had his first weekend night alone with the boys last night. Peggy called and asked if I had heard from him and I said no although I had been having a feeling of something not being quite right all evening. I called and no answer at home so I tried his cell phone and he answered. He said he had put the boys to bed and was at Ingle's. I said ok, although my heart sank. I worried about what he might be up to out on a Friday night. I called Peggy back and she was upset because she didn't think the boys should be at home alone and didn't realize that TJ had planned on allowing the boys to stay there while he worked as long as they had an alternative way to reach someone if the phone went out. I talked with her for a bit and she said she would talk to TJ tomorrow about it all. I told her to do what she felt she needed to do but that TJ would be angry at me also. Anyway, I went to bed praying. I woke up this morning and did my Bible study and devotion time. The following passages came to me: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7. After reading these I felt God telling me to call and talk to Peggy. I called and shared these verses with her and after talking we had reached a place to where we knew God was in control of it all. He would work things out for the best.

Sunday, January 25, 2009:
Duncan and Brayden were sick. Duncan stayed at home and TJ kept Brayden with him at the back of the service. Today's sermon was on Samuel. Learning to listen to the Lord when he calls. Sometimes even in the middle of the night. I talked some to TJ after the service. I had stopped at CVS to pick up some medicine for Brayden and TJ had taken the boys on home. He had prepared a pot of coffee and we talked about Debra's sermon and I could see God working in him. I told him that God forgives and that it didn't have to be this way. I told him I love him. I felt like God wanted him to hear that sometimes we pray and cry out God help me when God keeps sending people to us to help us. I could see the pain inside TJ. I told him I couldn't fix it, but that I could help by being there for him and loving him, but he had to let me. TJ was thinking about Debra's sermon and I felt an increase in my faith that God was in control. Thank you, God, for allowing me a glimpse.

Monday, January 26, 2009:
The following passages brought me a sense of peace and hope: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7; John 20:24-29. I know the first five passages are the same as Saturday's. Some things I need re-enforced often.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009:
The following passages came to me today: 2 Corinthians 3:17-18; Romans 8:29; Galatians 4:19; Philippians 3:21; 1 John 3:2; 1 Peter 1:22; 1 Timothy 5:22; James 4:8. I have been talking and sharing with Peggy who is gaining a renewal in her faith through me sharing. I, in no way, am taking any credit for this. It is God working in my life and me sharing it which is helping her. I don't always know how to convey this adequately, so please be patient with me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009:
The following passages: Matthew 21:21-22; Mark 4:33-34; Isaiah 40:31; 2 Timothy 3:7; 1 John 1:8-9. Again, I share with Peggy and we encourage each other in our growth and faith. Thank you, God.

Thursday, January 29, 2009:
The following passages: Psalm 28:6-7; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-2; Deuternomy 8: 12-14, 17; Proverbs 16:18; 2 Peter 1:16-21; Numbers 6:24-26; Job 34:21-23; Acts 4:13-20. Today, I went to NC and spent some time with the boys. The boys went to a movie with "Miss Vicki" and had a great time. She is not only an important part of my life but in the boys' lives as well. I spoke only a few moments with TJ today. He was in bed until after I left for choir. I miss him so much.

Friday, January 30, 2009:
The following passages: Ephesians 5:8; 1 Corinthians 15:58; Psalm 50:15; Psalm 18:2-3; and the following prayer.
"O Lord, may your purpose be fulfilled in my life today--to love You completely, to love myself correctly, and to love others compassionately." Amen.
Today, TJ was a bit distant. He hugged me but only with one arm. It is so difficult to know he loves me, but can't truly express himself. It is also difficult to see him in pain. I took the boys to Peggy's for the night and after visiting for a bit, Brayden and I headed back to South Carolina. It was a sad time.

Saturday, January 31, 2009:
The following passage: Psalm 143:8. I texted TJ to tell him goodnight and I love him. He texted back "me too." I get to see him tomorrow. I love him and can't find it in me to give up on him or our marriage.

Sunday, February 1, 2009:
Today, TJ beat me to church. He called to check on me because I was running late. I was happy to see him. I love him. Brayden went home with him while I went to Sunday school. When I got home, he seemed almost nervous to be around me. We talked a little bit but not much. The boys kept coming in and out of the room. Anyway, I told him I was sorry for all of this and he looked so sad and said you don't have anything to apologize for, this is my fault, remember. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I love you. This is breaking my heart. I am really struggling right now. I know God is in control and I am simply being impatient. God, help me please. I did my Bible study and devotion time late today because of travelling to NC. The following passages spoke to me: John 14:1; Psalm 28:7.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Amen

Monday, February 2, 2009:
I went to sleep praying. I felt better this morning although I was having difficulty focusing on praying when I awakened. I did my Bible study and devotion time, the following was the focus.
You're not the only one who feels the way you do, who asks yourself questions or makes stupid mistakes. Try being honest with others about it. You'll waste a lot of opportunities to grow as a disciple if you pretend to be something you're not. This passage is found in The Gift: The New Testament for New Believers with Psalms and Proverbs. This pertains to the following passage: 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8.
"For our exhortation didn't come from error or impurity or an intent to deceive. Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts. For we never used flattering speech, as you know, or had greedy motives--God is our witness--and we didn't seek glory from people, either from you or from others. Although we could have been a burden as Christ's apostles, instead we were gentle among you, as a nursing mother nurtures her own children. We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8. This passage is followed by the following quotation from Jim Smoke: "Many times our human desire to be acceptable to everyone keeps us from being real in all but the most superficial ways."
Thank you for your patience and kindness. God bless you.