This morning the day dawned bright and beautiful... I did part of my Bible study outside, a gentle breeze blowing... my thoughts were bright and optimistic.
More...
It's funny how easy it is for our minds to take a nosedive. Doubt creeps in and before you know it, you're back down in a hole. I am finishing my Bible study late today because I got caught up in some things and before I knew it... the day was gone. I saw a flirtatious comment from TJ to one of his facebook friends and it stung. Right now I feel pretty hurt. If the woman truly looks anything like her facebook profile pic then she is beautiful. I am so confused right now. Am I supposed to feel angry, am I supposed to feel frustrated, am I supposed to feel hurt? I don't know what I am supposed to feel. I keep praying and praying and reading and trying not to feel anything but patience and kindness and understanding. But, God help me, I am hurt and angry and at times I am still tempted to run. I still cry, I still hurt, and yes, sometimes I even try to pretend I'm ok. If I were ok, then why does the slightest thing through me off balance?
The following is taken from The Gift the New Testament for New Believers:
A good man produces good out of the good storeroom of his heart. Luke 6:45
If you've ever wasted a whole evening trying to get the bonus level on a video game, then you know what it's like to close your eyes at bedtime and see hostile, cartoon enemies sailing across the blank screen of your eyelids. That's because the thoughts you dwell on don't just come to visit. They come to stay. And if they're not the good kind, they can get to be very annoying company before they're done.
The same way a head cold makes your whole body feel lousy the connection of your thought life affects your whole behavior. If you allow yourself to stew about the friend who mistreated you, you'll pass up lots of chances to mend you relationship. If you allow the movie screen to singe your ears with more rotten language than you already have to put up with at work or at school, you'll start hearing it come out of your own mouth as well. But if you fill your mind with things that you know God would like and if you'll plug your ears to the devil's pack of lies, your feet will walk a straight line to spiritual success. And that's worth thinking about.
Luke 6:43-45
You have ears, you have eyes, you have time and you have television--you have all kinds of ways to get all kinds of stuff into your head, but only one way to control it. The biggest battle you'll face as a Christian will take place every day--right between your ears.
"A good tree doesn't produce bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree produce good fruit. For each tree is known by its own fruit. Figs aren't gathered from thorn bushes, or grapes picked from a bramble bush. A good man produces good out of the good storeroom of his heart, and an evil man produces evil out of the evil storeroom. For his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Luke 6:43-45
O Heavenly Father, forgive me for focusing on the negative and allowing my mind to dwell on things I can't control. You have my best interests in mind and I trust in You. Thank You, God, for your forgiveness. In the name of Your son, Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I pray. Amen.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Building Bridges
Yesterday afternoon and this morning were a bit rough, especially yesterday. I had sent More...
TJ an email on Tuesday regarding my Bible study and devotion time and apparently he didn't care too much for it. The Bible passages in the email were 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8 and 1 Peter 5:8-9.
I found out yesterday that Connor and Aunt Alice were fussing over a mess Connor was making and it woke TJ up and he came upstairs and sent Connor downstairs. Well, Connor hit his hipbone on the door knob or frame as his Dad was trying to get him through the door. Well, Connor came around swinging and he ended up on the bed with his Dad holding him down to try to calm him according to TJ. Connor didn't give any great details to the episode. He doesn't like to share anything like that, well, anything personal and that was personal to him. Anyway, the email apparently arrived the same day as that episode. Then either the next day or yesterday, Peggy (TJ's Mom) called TJ aside and asked him if he had considered taking anger management classes. So needless to say he was ticked at the world. He started with me as I was trying to talk to him. I told him I missed him and he said "I know." Later he told me it felt like I was just waiting for him to pop himself on the forehead and say he was wrong what had he been thinking. Well, I do wish that would happen, but I am not necessarily waiting for it to happen. Anyway, my gut reaction was to tell him to take a hike off the nearest cliff and I would leave him alone. Thank God, I didn't. Instead I told him we would talk later. This morning he came in and apologized for taking his frustrations out on me. He said he had read the email a couple of times and got from it that I believed all he needed to do was confess his sins and he would get better and that his Mom felt like all he needed to do was take anger management classes and he would get better. I told him that we all need to confess our sins, that is how we obtain forgiveness for them. I also told him that the main message I intended for him to get was that he is not alone. We all have our struggles and don't have to suffer alone. Anyway, I was still praying and fighting my instinct to just leave him alone. I took the computer away from him and leaned over him and looked him in the eyes and told him I love you. I then kissed him on the forehead and then moved away. After leaving I kept telling myself I am not going to cry, well, I did. Not sobbing, but tears spilling down my cheeks. After getting back to SC, I was telling Sara and Eddie what had happened and Eddie stopped me in the middle to point out that TJ had admitted in a roundabout way that he needed to get better and that is the first step. I hadn't seen it until he said it, but it is true. Thank You, Lord, for Your loving kindness and Your strength and wisdom.
The following comes from The Gift the New Testament for New Believers:
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Collossians 4:5.
Every time you say hello to the ringing of the telephone, every time you open the door to dinner company, every time you plop your milk and bread up on the checkout conveyor, you get one more chance to have a godly influence on a buddy, a neighbor, a stranger. The way you react in situations like these--be they casual, corporate, or confrontational--can paint ann honest loving eyes on someone's personal picture of the Christ you serve.
It really is an awesome responsibility. If God put us here for any other reason than to love and worship Him, it was to love and honor His children, to be a warm-eyed smile in a sea of grunts and frowns, a two-hour phone call in a world of busy signals, a lunch invitation in the middle of a long, lonely day.
Christian disciples are committed to lifting their fiends a little higher, overlooking the faults of their enemies, and going out of their way to meet a need, to remember a kindness, to speak a word of encouragement. No one is insignificant to God or to the people who love Him.
Collosians 4:5-6 Life puts you in contact with a lot of different people. Some are fun to be around. Some are a challenge. But God has put them all into your life for a reason. Friend or foe, relevant or seemingly irrelevant, every person in your life is a ministry opportunity.
"Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person." Collosians 4:5-6
Thank You, Lord, for giving me the patience and control not to say hurtful things last night to TJ. I know he is hurting and I know You are working in his life. I pray You will continue to work in his life, bring him to You, O Lord, and use me as one of Your instruments. Amen.
TJ an email on Tuesday regarding my Bible study and devotion time and apparently he didn't care too much for it. The Bible passages in the email were 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8 and 1 Peter 5:8-9.
I found out yesterday that Connor and Aunt Alice were fussing over a mess Connor was making and it woke TJ up and he came upstairs and sent Connor downstairs. Well, Connor hit his hipbone on the door knob or frame as his Dad was trying to get him through the door. Well, Connor came around swinging and he ended up on the bed with his Dad holding him down to try to calm him according to TJ. Connor didn't give any great details to the episode. He doesn't like to share anything like that, well, anything personal and that was personal to him. Anyway, the email apparently arrived the same day as that episode. Then either the next day or yesterday, Peggy (TJ's Mom) called TJ aside and asked him if he had considered taking anger management classes. So needless to say he was ticked at the world. He started with me as I was trying to talk to him. I told him I missed him and he said "I know." Later he told me it felt like I was just waiting for him to pop himself on the forehead and say he was wrong what had he been thinking. Well, I do wish that would happen, but I am not necessarily waiting for it to happen. Anyway, my gut reaction was to tell him to take a hike off the nearest cliff and I would leave him alone. Thank God, I didn't. Instead I told him we would talk later. This morning he came in and apologized for taking his frustrations out on me. He said he had read the email a couple of times and got from it that I believed all he needed to do was confess his sins and he would get better and that his Mom felt like all he needed to do was take anger management classes and he would get better. I told him that we all need to confess our sins, that is how we obtain forgiveness for them. I also told him that the main message I intended for him to get was that he is not alone. We all have our struggles and don't have to suffer alone. Anyway, I was still praying and fighting my instinct to just leave him alone. I took the computer away from him and leaned over him and looked him in the eyes and told him I love you. I then kissed him on the forehead and then moved away. After leaving I kept telling myself I am not going to cry, well, I did. Not sobbing, but tears spilling down my cheeks. After getting back to SC, I was telling Sara and Eddie what had happened and Eddie stopped me in the middle to point out that TJ had admitted in a roundabout way that he needed to get better and that is the first step. I hadn't seen it until he said it, but it is true. Thank You, Lord, for Your loving kindness and Your strength and wisdom.
The following comes from The Gift the New Testament for New Believers:
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Collossians 4:5.
Every time you say hello to the ringing of the telephone, every time you open the door to dinner company, every time you plop your milk and bread up on the checkout conveyor, you get one more chance to have a godly influence on a buddy, a neighbor, a stranger. The way you react in situations like these--be they casual, corporate, or confrontational--can paint ann honest loving eyes on someone's personal picture of the Christ you serve.
It really is an awesome responsibility. If God put us here for any other reason than to love and worship Him, it was to love and honor His children, to be a warm-eyed smile in a sea of grunts and frowns, a two-hour phone call in a world of busy signals, a lunch invitation in the middle of a long, lonely day.
Christian disciples are committed to lifting their fiends a little higher, overlooking the faults of their enemies, and going out of their way to meet a need, to remember a kindness, to speak a word of encouragement. No one is insignificant to God or to the people who love Him.
Collosians 4:5-6 Life puts you in contact with a lot of different people. Some are fun to be around. Some are a challenge. But God has put them all into your life for a reason. Friend or foe, relevant or seemingly irrelevant, every person in your life is a ministry opportunity.
"Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person." Collosians 4:5-6
Thank You, Lord, for giving me the patience and control not to say hurtful things last night to TJ. I know he is hurting and I know You are working in his life. I pray You will continue to work in his life, bring him to You, O Lord, and use me as one of Your instruments. Amen.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Your will, not mine, O God
Thank You, O God, for your forgiveness and Your patience.
"You, Lord my God, are gracious and compassionate, and You will not turn Your face from me if I return to You." 2 Chronicles 30:9More...
Even in those times when I fall short of putting You first in my life, O God, You are compassionate and forgiving when I confess and turn back to You. Thank You, O God for Your loving kindness.
I stand in awe and amazement of Your love, Your mercy, Your forgiveness, O God. You sent Your son, Jesus Christ, so that I might be saved. Thank You, O Lord, there is none like You.
"O God, our Father, You presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement through faith in His blood. You did this to demonstrate Your righteousness, because in Your mercy, You passed over the sins committed before Jesus died. You did it to demonstrate Your righteousness in the present time, that You might be just and the justifier of those who have faith in Jesus." Romans 3:25-26
O God, I pray that Your will not mine be done, for You know what is best for me and my family. I pray that if it be Your will that our marriage be saved. I want our marriage and family to be a living testament to You. I have peace in my heart that You will do what is best, and yet my heart aches for my husband and our children. I ask, in the name of Your precious and holy son, Jesus Christ, that if it be Your will, our marriage be saved. Change me and TJ and use us as You see fit, O God, we cannot save our marriage, only through Your perfect will can it be saved. I submit myself and my life to You and my heart rejoices. Amen.
The following is taken from The Gift the New Testament for New Believers.
One important aspect of the Christian worldview is understanding the need for Christian men and women to be on the job in all kinds of workplaces and arenas--to be the "salt of the earth" and the "light of the world" in the courtroom and the classroom, on the assembly line and in the executive office, in the public domain as well as the pulpit.
God has given each of us a calling in life. Some of those callings spill over very naturally into the kind of jobs we do. But in case you don't feel called to the work you're doing right now (yet you realize the necessity of it at this stage of your life), you can always remain in the will of God by striving for excellence in everything you do, caring genuinely for the people you serve and work alongside, looking for opportunities to offer Christian counsel and friendship, and maintaining integrity in all your relationships.
You may have never seen anything very spiritual in turning a wrench, pecking a keyboard, doing your history homework, or running another load of towels. But your faithful performance can speak volumes if you'll let it.
2 Thessalonians 3:6-10
One thing that should look a little different through Christian eyes is the place where you work, the people you work with, and the job that's expected of you. No longer is work or school just the necessary nightmare between you and a fun weekend.
2 Thessalonians 3:6-10
"Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to keep away from every brother who 'walks irresponsibly and not according to the tradition received from us. For you yourselves know how you must imitate us: we were not irresponsible among you; we did not eat anyone's bread free of charge; instead, we labored and toiled, working night and day, so that we would not be a burden to any of you. it is not that we don't have the right (to support), but we did it to make ourselves an example to you so that you would imitate us. In fact, when we were wit you, this is what we commanded you: "If anyone isn't willing to work, he should not eat."
"To follow Jesus means first and foremost to discover in our daily lives God's unique vocation for us." Henri Nouwen
O Lord, I have never experienced this in the workplace, and I want to. I want to allow You, O Lord, to use me wherever You desire. I am Yours, O God. Amen.
Last night I went to sleep thinking of TJ, yet I didn't call or text. I could feel him with me. I slept well, thank You, O Lord.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Needed at Home
O Lord, may your purpose be fulfilled in my life today-to love You completely, to love myself correctly, and to love others compassionately. Amen.More...
I awakened early this morning, about 3:30am, thinking of TJ. I texted him to make sure he was ok. He texted back and said he was fine, just dealing with bad roads and worse drivers. I prayed for God to watch over him. I am still having times of struggling with myself. I know this is to be expected and to try to be patient, I am hard on myself though.
Today's focus is on the family.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right." Ephesians 6:1
The following is taken from The Gift the New Testament For New Believers.
Your family is your proving ground, where early morning moods and unsightly closets leave no place for Christian beliefs to hide behind, no words to sugarcoat the bald-faced lives we lead when the outside world is out of earshot...which can be a little scary.
But your family is also your training ground, where you can share life's most everyday challenges and experiences in the comfort of each other's company, where you can work through your shyness for bringing Sunday morning ideals into daily life by discovering how to pray as a family, how to use the Bible as a measuring stick, how o create a safe place for even the most childlike questions.
When Christ is given permission to make Himself at home at your house, you'll take pains to love your wife or husband more, to be more patient with others' mistakes, to be quicker to admit your own fault and to ask for forgiveness. You'll bite your tongue, you'll work for everyone's good, you'll give when you're tired and cranky. You'll grow. Together.
Ephesians 6:1-4
The process of discipleship can change the way you think, helping you start paying attention to the important things in life--like the most important people in the world, for example--the ones God has placed right in your living room.
Oh, how true this is. I took so much for granted. I lived a lie, I could be patient with most everyone else, but not my own family. I am ashamed to admit this, but it is true. I am beginning to see just how important my family is to me and to be truly thankful for the opportunity to have them in my life. God placed them in my life and I took them for granted. O Heavenly Father, I pray for forgiveness and look forward to the times when I can demonstrate just how important they are to me, for they are gifts from You, O God. Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to come to understand my shortcomings and for the opportunity for You to change me. Amen.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. Honor your father and mother--which is the first commandment with a promise--that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land. And fathers, don't stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-4
I awakened early this morning, about 3:30am, thinking of TJ. I texted him to make sure he was ok. He texted back and said he was fine, just dealing with bad roads and worse drivers. I prayed for God to watch over him. I am still having times of struggling with myself. I know this is to be expected and to try to be patient, I am hard on myself though.
Today's focus is on the family.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right." Ephesians 6:1
The following is taken from The Gift the New Testament For New Believers.
Your family is your proving ground, where early morning moods and unsightly closets leave no place for Christian beliefs to hide behind, no words to sugarcoat the bald-faced lives we lead when the outside world is out of earshot...which can be a little scary.
But your family is also your training ground, where you can share life's most everyday challenges and experiences in the comfort of each other's company, where you can work through your shyness for bringing Sunday morning ideals into daily life by discovering how to pray as a family, how to use the Bible as a measuring stick, how o create a safe place for even the most childlike questions.
When Christ is given permission to make Himself at home at your house, you'll take pains to love your wife or husband more, to be more patient with others' mistakes, to be quicker to admit your own fault and to ask for forgiveness. You'll bite your tongue, you'll work for everyone's good, you'll give when you're tired and cranky. You'll grow. Together.
Ephesians 6:1-4
The process of discipleship can change the way you think, helping you start paying attention to the important things in life--like the most important people in the world, for example--the ones God has placed right in your living room.
Oh, how true this is. I took so much for granted. I lived a lie, I could be patient with most everyone else, but not my own family. I am ashamed to admit this, but it is true. I am beginning to see just how important my family is to me and to be truly thankful for the opportunity to have them in my life. God placed them in my life and I took them for granted. O Heavenly Father, I pray for forgiveness and look forward to the times when I can demonstrate just how important they are to me, for they are gifts from You, O God. Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to come to understand my shortcomings and for the opportunity for You to change me. Amen.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. Honor your father and mother--which is the first commandment with a promise--that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land. And fathers, don't stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-4
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Relationships
Thank you, O God, for all you have given me. I am truly blessed. You are with me through all times, both good and bad, and I thank you.More...
"I will tell of your loving kindness, Lord, and praise Your deeds, according to all You have done for us, and Your great goodness toward the house of Israel, which You have bestowed on them according to Your mercies, and according to the multitude of Your loving kindnesses." Isaiah 63:7
"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'" Isaiah 52:7
You reign O God! You are ruler of all, and I will proclaim your great news!
"Look, there on the mountains, the feet of the one who brings good news, who proclaims peace! Celebrate your festivals, O Judah, and fulfill your vows. No more will the wicked invade you; they will be completely destroyed." Nahum 1:15
O God, thank you for Your promise of peace.
"Come follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." Matthew 4:19
O Lord, I pray that You might use me as You see fit.
O Lord, my God, I submit my relationship with others to You. I know You have my best interests at heart. I ask that You bring peace, restoration, harmony, and hope to my marriage. I know that I can not do this and I submit myself to You. Use me as an instrument to restore my marriage that we might be a living testament to glorify You, O God. I ask that You break through our hardheadedness, our stubbornness and our pride... restore balance to what needs to be balanced, renew our love and devotion to You and to each other. I pray that Your will be done. All thanks and glory to You! Amen
O God, You are always with us. You tell us in Your word to be on the alert.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1Peter 5:8-9
We are warned to be on the alert for Satan when we are suffering or being persecuted. When we are feeling alone, weak, helpless, and cut off from other believers, so focused on our own troubles that we forget to watch for danger, and we are most vulnerable to Satan's attacks. Satan knows our weaknesses and he will use them for his gain. We must stay on the alert and turn to other Christians for support. Keep our eyes on Christ and Satan will flee from us!
Boundaries--those self-imposed security zones which keep us alert to the areas where Satan is most likely to attack. Teaming up with accountability partners who help watch your back makes it doubly difficult for you to be defeated. These are our responsibilities, for salvation is work for us too.
I am thankful, O God, for the support of my friends and of my church family. I am reminded that You are working and it is my job to be patient. I sometimes struggle with this, as I have always been someone who couldn't get things done fast enough. I have always done things myself so I didn't have to wait on someone else. I am learning, Lord, thank You for Your patience. I have friends who can see my struggles and remind me to wait... to wait on You, Lord, for You know best.
I have been struggling the past few days with feelings of sadness and loneliness. I spoke with Eddie yesterday who reminded me this is not supposed to be easy. If I were having an easy time of it then the relationship would not be worth trying to save. Thank You, Lord, for using Eddie to remind me to be patient.
"I will tell of your loving kindness, Lord, and praise Your deeds, according to all You have done for us, and Your great goodness toward the house of Israel, which You have bestowed on them according to Your mercies, and according to the multitude of Your loving kindnesses." Isaiah 63:7
"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'" Isaiah 52:7
You reign O God! You are ruler of all, and I will proclaim your great news!
"Look, there on the mountains, the feet of the one who brings good news, who proclaims peace! Celebrate your festivals, O Judah, and fulfill your vows. No more will the wicked invade you; they will be completely destroyed." Nahum 1:15
O God, thank you for Your promise of peace.
"Come follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." Matthew 4:19
O Lord, I pray that You might use me as You see fit.
O Lord, my God, I submit my relationship with others to You. I know You have my best interests at heart. I ask that You bring peace, restoration, harmony, and hope to my marriage. I know that I can not do this and I submit myself to You. Use me as an instrument to restore my marriage that we might be a living testament to glorify You, O God. I ask that You break through our hardheadedness, our stubbornness and our pride... restore balance to what needs to be balanced, renew our love and devotion to You and to each other. I pray that Your will be done. All thanks and glory to You! Amen
O God, You are always with us. You tell us in Your word to be on the alert.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1Peter 5:8-9
We are warned to be on the alert for Satan when we are suffering or being persecuted. When we are feeling alone, weak, helpless, and cut off from other believers, so focused on our own troubles that we forget to watch for danger, and we are most vulnerable to Satan's attacks. Satan knows our weaknesses and he will use them for his gain. We must stay on the alert and turn to other Christians for support. Keep our eyes on Christ and Satan will flee from us!
Boundaries--those self-imposed security zones which keep us alert to the areas where Satan is most likely to attack. Teaming up with accountability partners who help watch your back makes it doubly difficult for you to be defeated. These are our responsibilities, for salvation is work for us too.
I am thankful, O God, for the support of my friends and of my church family. I am reminded that You are working and it is my job to be patient. I sometimes struggle with this, as I have always been someone who couldn't get things done fast enough. I have always done things myself so I didn't have to wait on someone else. I am learning, Lord, thank You for Your patience. I have friends who can see my struggles and remind me to wait... to wait on You, Lord, for You know best.
I have been struggling the past few days with feelings of sadness and loneliness. I spoke with Eddie yesterday who reminded me this is not supposed to be easy. If I were having an easy time of it then the relationship would not be worth trying to save. Thank You, Lord, for using Eddie to remind me to be patient.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A brief synopsis
Well, I am new to this, but am going to give it my best shot. I suppose I should give a bit of background information. First, my name is Trish and I am married to TJ and between us we have 5 children, a dog, and a grandson. More...
Last September, TJ asked me for a divorce. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. We had been having many disagreements over how best to discipline the children and the fact I didn't think he was being consistent enough in his parenting. I never suspected it had reached the point of him wanting a divorce though. Over the next couple of weeks I started working on getting my nursing license re-instated. TJ came home one morning from work and stated that it wouldn't be easy but if I were willing that he was willing to work on our marriage. I was so happy. I talked to our pastor, Debra, and she suggested that we work on trying to just spend some quality time together instead of what I wanted to do which was immediately create a list and spend time talking and trying to figure it all out. We had our first date night and it went well. We didn't discuss any of our problems and I planned a date night for the next Friday. Needless to say I pushed. About a week to ten days later I felt TJ withdraw again. After several attempts to try to talk, he would simply say that he felt I had gotten the wrong idea when he said he wanted to try to work it out. I told him that I had gotten the impression that we both had things we needed to work on separately as well as working on our marriage. He said that was basically what he had meant. Days and weeks passed and I kept trying to make a connection. It seemed the more I tried the more TJ withdrew. I ached inside because I could see he was really hurting. He seemed to think less and less of himself each day. Christmas approached and I wanted to make it special even though financially we weren't in the best place. I had never had a real Christmas tree and I found out that TJ preferred them, so we got a cut tree. It was fun working on ornaments with the boys. In fact the boys decorated the tree after TJ and I placed the lights and I decorated the hearth. It was beautiful. TJ kept saying he didn't like Christmas because of all the commercialism involved, so I tried really hard for that not to be a focus. The real reason for the season is the birth of Jesus and that's what I wanted to focus on. I was disappointed because it was to be a Christmas where I was travelling alone to Kentucky to be with my family. Well, I took the boys with me, but not my TJ. We came home on Saturday evening and then on that Sunday, TJ told me it wasn't working for him. I asked him to wait until we had celebrated Christmas with the boys so their Christmas wouldn't be spoiled. He agreed. We went to Peggy's the next Saturday to celebrate with them there. It was a difficult time for me because no one knew he had said he no longer wanted to work on things. Anyway, we celebrated Christmas with the boys and the next Saturday they were talking about pooling their money together and buying a Wii system. I asked TJ if he thought we should go ahead and tell the boys to keep them from getting their hopes up. He agreed. I went through to prepare breakfast and he came in to help. I was upset and trying to keep myself together, so he asked what was wrong. We ended up in an argument because he couldn't understand why I was so upset. He felt I should have already dealt with all the negative emotions earlier. I told him I wasn't happy, that I didn't agree that the marriage was over and that I wasn't going to let him say that he had honestly tried to make it work. I pointed out that he had come to me and said he wanted to try and he had lied to me. He hadn't tried. Anyway, he told them and I pretty much sat and cried. The boys tried to comfort me, love their hearts. I told TJ I needed some time and packed a suitcase. I went to Charleston, SC and spent the night. The next morning I went to walk on the beach at Folly Beach. I wanted so desperately to run and not look back. It took all my strength not to just walk out into the ocean, not because I wanted to die but because I didn't want to face what awaited me at home. I kept praying and called my friend, Sara, who told me I was more than welcome to come and stay with her and her family for as long as I needed. I told thank you, but I just didn't know. I kept praying. I left the beach and just rode around for a bit. My friend, Michelle, called and talked to me and I told her I just didn't know what I was going to do. I wanted to run and not look back. That had always been my "go to" in times of trouble. I kept praying and finally reached a point of feeling the peace of God. I knew I needed to get out of the situation I was in and that TJ needed some space. I called Sara back and told her I would be coming the next day to spend some time with her. She said anytime. I travelled back home and felt the most peace I had felt in ages. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got home and told TJ what I had discovered. He seemed upset and angry that I was going to move out. He asked if I would stay a couple of weeks longer and I told him I couldn't give him two weeks but I would stay a week longer. I called Sara back and told her and she said that actually would give them a bit more time to get things organized. I stayed that week and tried to take care of some business. I continued feeling at peace even though I was so very sad. I didn't want to leave my family. The next Monday arrived and Brayden and I left with the van loaded amidst tears and promises that I would see the boys again on Thursday. Getting into that van and driving off was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Brayden and I got to South Carolina and started to get settled in. Sara and Eddie and Matthew were all so gracious and supportive. I felt very welcomed. Anyway, Fridays and Sundays have been the most difficult days. I had received an answer to my prayer for peace, yet I still felt so sad. I kept praying and asking for God to help me. The next items are a summary of the passages which have been given to me by God to help me. I will separate them and put the dates I first felt them speaking directly to me. After catching up from the past week I will try to post daily. Thank you for your patience. God bless you!
Saturday, January, 24, 2009:
TJ had his first weekend night alone with the boys last night. Peggy called and asked if I had heard from him and I said no although I had been having a feeling of something not being quite right all evening. I called and no answer at home so I tried his cell phone and he answered. He said he had put the boys to bed and was at Ingle's. I said ok, although my heart sank. I worried about what he might be up to out on a Friday night. I called Peggy back and she was upset because she didn't think the boys should be at home alone and didn't realize that TJ had planned on allowing the boys to stay there while he worked as long as they had an alternative way to reach someone if the phone went out. I talked with her for a bit and she said she would talk to TJ tomorrow about it all. I told her to do what she felt she needed to do but that TJ would be angry at me also. Anyway, I went to bed praying. I woke up this morning and did my Bible study and devotion time. The following passages came to me: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7. After reading these I felt God telling me to call and talk to Peggy. I called and shared these verses with her and after talking we had reached a place to where we knew God was in control of it all. He would work things out for the best.
Sunday, January 25, 2009:
Duncan and Brayden were sick. Duncan stayed at home and TJ kept Brayden with him at the back of the service. Today's sermon was on Samuel. Learning to listen to the Lord when he calls. Sometimes even in the middle of the night. I talked some to TJ after the service. I had stopped at CVS to pick up some medicine for Brayden and TJ had taken the boys on home. He had prepared a pot of coffee and we talked about Debra's sermon and I could see God working in him. I told him that God forgives and that it didn't have to be this way. I told him I love him. I felt like God wanted him to hear that sometimes we pray and cry out God help me when God keeps sending people to us to help us. I could see the pain inside TJ. I told him I couldn't fix it, but that I could help by being there for him and loving him, but he had to let me. TJ was thinking about Debra's sermon and I felt an increase in my faith that God was in control. Thank you, God, for allowing me a glimpse.
Monday, January 26, 2009:
The following passages brought me a sense of peace and hope: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7; John 20:24-29. I know the first five passages are the same as Saturday's. Some things I need re-enforced often.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009:
The following passages came to me today: 2 Corinthians 3:17-18; Romans 8:29; Galatians 4:19; Philippians 3:21; 1 John 3:2; 1 Peter 1:22; 1 Timothy 5:22; James 4:8. I have been talking and sharing with Peggy who is gaining a renewal in her faith through me sharing. I, in no way, am taking any credit for this. It is God working in my life and me sharing it which is helping her. I don't always know how to convey this adequately, so please be patient with me.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009:
The following passages: Matthew 21:21-22; Mark 4:33-34; Isaiah 40:31; 2 Timothy 3:7; 1 John 1:8-9. Again, I share with Peggy and we encourage each other in our growth and faith. Thank you, God.
Thursday, January 29, 2009:
The following passages: Psalm 28:6-7; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-2; Deuternomy 8: 12-14, 17; Proverbs 16:18; 2 Peter 1:16-21; Numbers 6:24-26; Job 34:21-23; Acts 4:13-20. Today, I went to NC and spent some time with the boys. The boys went to a movie with "Miss Vicki" and had a great time. She is not only an important part of my life but in the boys' lives as well. I spoke only a few moments with TJ today. He was in bed until after I left for choir. I miss him so much.
Friday, January 30, 2009:
The following passages: Ephesians 5:8; 1 Corinthians 15:58; Psalm 50:15; Psalm 18:2-3; and the following prayer.
"O Lord, may your purpose be fulfilled in my life today--to love You completely, to love myself correctly, and to love others compassionately." Amen.
Today, TJ was a bit distant. He hugged me but only with one arm. It is so difficult to know he loves me, but can't truly express himself. It is also difficult to see him in pain. I took the boys to Peggy's for the night and after visiting for a bit, Brayden and I headed back to South Carolina. It was a sad time.
Saturday, January 31, 2009:
The following passage: Psalm 143:8. I texted TJ to tell him goodnight and I love him. He texted back "me too." I get to see him tomorrow. I love him and can't find it in me to give up on him or our marriage.
Sunday, February 1, 2009:
Today, TJ beat me to church. He called to check on me because I was running late. I was happy to see him. I love him. Brayden went home with him while I went to Sunday school. When I got home, he seemed almost nervous to be around me. We talked a little bit but not much. The boys kept coming in and out of the room. Anyway, I told him I was sorry for all of this and he looked so sad and said you don't have anything to apologize for, this is my fault, remember. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I love you. This is breaking my heart. I am really struggling right now. I know God is in control and I am simply being impatient. God, help me please. I did my Bible study and devotion time late today because of travelling to NC. The following passages spoke to me: John 14:1; Psalm 28:7.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Amen
Monday, February 2, 2009:
I went to sleep praying. I felt better this morning although I was having difficulty focusing on praying when I awakened. I did my Bible study and devotion time, the following was the focus.
You're not the only one who feels the way you do, who asks yourself questions or makes stupid mistakes. Try being honest with others about it. You'll waste a lot of opportunities to grow as a disciple if you pretend to be something you're not. This passage is found in The Gift: The New Testament for New Believers with Psalms and Proverbs. This pertains to the following passage: 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8.
"For our exhortation didn't come from error or impurity or an intent to deceive. Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts. For we never used flattering speech, as you know, or had greedy motives--God is our witness--and we didn't seek glory from people, either from you or from others. Although we could have been a burden as Christ's apostles, instead we were gentle among you, as a nursing mother nurtures her own children. We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8. This passage is followed by the following quotation from Jim Smoke: "Many times our human desire to be acceptable to everyone keeps us from being real in all but the most superficial ways."
Thank you for your patience and kindness. God bless you.
Last September, TJ asked me for a divorce. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. We had been having many disagreements over how best to discipline the children and the fact I didn't think he was being consistent enough in his parenting. I never suspected it had reached the point of him wanting a divorce though. Over the next couple of weeks I started working on getting my nursing license re-instated. TJ came home one morning from work and stated that it wouldn't be easy but if I were willing that he was willing to work on our marriage. I was so happy. I talked to our pastor, Debra, and she suggested that we work on trying to just spend some quality time together instead of what I wanted to do which was immediately create a list and spend time talking and trying to figure it all out. We had our first date night and it went well. We didn't discuss any of our problems and I planned a date night for the next Friday. Needless to say I pushed. About a week to ten days later I felt TJ withdraw again. After several attempts to try to talk, he would simply say that he felt I had gotten the wrong idea when he said he wanted to try to work it out. I told him that I had gotten the impression that we both had things we needed to work on separately as well as working on our marriage. He said that was basically what he had meant. Days and weeks passed and I kept trying to make a connection. It seemed the more I tried the more TJ withdrew. I ached inside because I could see he was really hurting. He seemed to think less and less of himself each day. Christmas approached and I wanted to make it special even though financially we weren't in the best place. I had never had a real Christmas tree and I found out that TJ preferred them, so we got a cut tree. It was fun working on ornaments with the boys. In fact the boys decorated the tree after TJ and I placed the lights and I decorated the hearth. It was beautiful. TJ kept saying he didn't like Christmas because of all the commercialism involved, so I tried really hard for that not to be a focus. The real reason for the season is the birth of Jesus and that's what I wanted to focus on. I was disappointed because it was to be a Christmas where I was travelling alone to Kentucky to be with my family. Well, I took the boys with me, but not my TJ. We came home on Saturday evening and then on that Sunday, TJ told me it wasn't working for him. I asked him to wait until we had celebrated Christmas with the boys so their Christmas wouldn't be spoiled. He agreed. We went to Peggy's the next Saturday to celebrate with them there. It was a difficult time for me because no one knew he had said he no longer wanted to work on things. Anyway, we celebrated Christmas with the boys and the next Saturday they were talking about pooling their money together and buying a Wii system. I asked TJ if he thought we should go ahead and tell the boys to keep them from getting their hopes up. He agreed. I went through to prepare breakfast and he came in to help. I was upset and trying to keep myself together, so he asked what was wrong. We ended up in an argument because he couldn't understand why I was so upset. He felt I should have already dealt with all the negative emotions earlier. I told him I wasn't happy, that I didn't agree that the marriage was over and that I wasn't going to let him say that he had honestly tried to make it work. I pointed out that he had come to me and said he wanted to try and he had lied to me. He hadn't tried. Anyway, he told them and I pretty much sat and cried. The boys tried to comfort me, love their hearts. I told TJ I needed some time and packed a suitcase. I went to Charleston, SC and spent the night. The next morning I went to walk on the beach at Folly Beach. I wanted so desperately to run and not look back. It took all my strength not to just walk out into the ocean, not because I wanted to die but because I didn't want to face what awaited me at home. I kept praying and called my friend, Sara, who told me I was more than welcome to come and stay with her and her family for as long as I needed. I told thank you, but I just didn't know. I kept praying. I left the beach and just rode around for a bit. My friend, Michelle, called and talked to me and I told her I just didn't know what I was going to do. I wanted to run and not look back. That had always been my "go to" in times of trouble. I kept praying and finally reached a point of feeling the peace of God. I knew I needed to get out of the situation I was in and that TJ needed some space. I called Sara back and told her I would be coming the next day to spend some time with her. She said anytime. I travelled back home and felt the most peace I had felt in ages. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got home and told TJ what I had discovered. He seemed upset and angry that I was going to move out. He asked if I would stay a couple of weeks longer and I told him I couldn't give him two weeks but I would stay a week longer. I called Sara back and told her and she said that actually would give them a bit more time to get things organized. I stayed that week and tried to take care of some business. I continued feeling at peace even though I was so very sad. I didn't want to leave my family. The next Monday arrived and Brayden and I left with the van loaded amidst tears and promises that I would see the boys again on Thursday. Getting into that van and driving off was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Brayden and I got to South Carolina and started to get settled in. Sara and Eddie and Matthew were all so gracious and supportive. I felt very welcomed. Anyway, Fridays and Sundays have been the most difficult days. I had received an answer to my prayer for peace, yet I still felt so sad. I kept praying and asking for God to help me. The next items are a summary of the passages which have been given to me by God to help me. I will separate them and put the dates I first felt them speaking directly to me. After catching up from the past week I will try to post daily. Thank you for your patience. God bless you!
Saturday, January, 24, 2009:
TJ had his first weekend night alone with the boys last night. Peggy called and asked if I had heard from him and I said no although I had been having a feeling of something not being quite right all evening. I called and no answer at home so I tried his cell phone and he answered. He said he had put the boys to bed and was at Ingle's. I said ok, although my heart sank. I worried about what he might be up to out on a Friday night. I called Peggy back and she was upset because she didn't think the boys should be at home alone and didn't realize that TJ had planned on allowing the boys to stay there while he worked as long as they had an alternative way to reach someone if the phone went out. I talked with her for a bit and she said she would talk to TJ tomorrow about it all. I told her to do what she felt she needed to do but that TJ would be angry at me also. Anyway, I went to bed praying. I woke up this morning and did my Bible study and devotion time. The following passages came to me: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7. After reading these I felt God telling me to call and talk to Peggy. I called and shared these verses with her and after talking we had reached a place to where we knew God was in control of it all. He would work things out for the best.
Sunday, January 25, 2009:
Duncan and Brayden were sick. Duncan stayed at home and TJ kept Brayden with him at the back of the service. Today's sermon was on Samuel. Learning to listen to the Lord when he calls. Sometimes even in the middle of the night. I talked some to TJ after the service. I had stopped at CVS to pick up some medicine for Brayden and TJ had taken the boys on home. He had prepared a pot of coffee and we talked about Debra's sermon and I could see God working in him. I told him that God forgives and that it didn't have to be this way. I told him I love him. I felt like God wanted him to hear that sometimes we pray and cry out God help me when God keeps sending people to us to help us. I could see the pain inside TJ. I told him I couldn't fix it, but that I could help by being there for him and loving him, but he had to let me. TJ was thinking about Debra's sermon and I felt an increase in my faith that God was in control. Thank you, God, for allowing me a glimpse.
Monday, January 26, 2009:
The following passages brought me a sense of peace and hope: Romans 8:28-29; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 6:10; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Psalm 37:3-7; John 20:24-29. I know the first five passages are the same as Saturday's. Some things I need re-enforced often.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009:
The following passages came to me today: 2 Corinthians 3:17-18; Romans 8:29; Galatians 4:19; Philippians 3:21; 1 John 3:2; 1 Peter 1:22; 1 Timothy 5:22; James 4:8. I have been talking and sharing with Peggy who is gaining a renewal in her faith through me sharing. I, in no way, am taking any credit for this. It is God working in my life and me sharing it which is helping her. I don't always know how to convey this adequately, so please be patient with me.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009:
The following passages: Matthew 21:21-22; Mark 4:33-34; Isaiah 40:31; 2 Timothy 3:7; 1 John 1:8-9. Again, I share with Peggy and we encourage each other in our growth and faith. Thank you, God.
Thursday, January 29, 2009:
The following passages: Psalm 28:6-7; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-2; Deuternomy 8: 12-14, 17; Proverbs 16:18; 2 Peter 1:16-21; Numbers 6:24-26; Job 34:21-23; Acts 4:13-20. Today, I went to NC and spent some time with the boys. The boys went to a movie with "Miss Vicki" and had a great time. She is not only an important part of my life but in the boys' lives as well. I spoke only a few moments with TJ today. He was in bed until after I left for choir. I miss him so much.
Friday, January 30, 2009:
The following passages: Ephesians 5:8; 1 Corinthians 15:58; Psalm 50:15; Psalm 18:2-3; and the following prayer.
"O Lord, may your purpose be fulfilled in my life today--to love You completely, to love myself correctly, and to love others compassionately." Amen.
Today, TJ was a bit distant. He hugged me but only with one arm. It is so difficult to know he loves me, but can't truly express himself. It is also difficult to see him in pain. I took the boys to Peggy's for the night and after visiting for a bit, Brayden and I headed back to South Carolina. It was a sad time.
Saturday, January 31, 2009:
The following passage: Psalm 143:8. I texted TJ to tell him goodnight and I love him. He texted back "me too." I get to see him tomorrow. I love him and can't find it in me to give up on him or our marriage.
Sunday, February 1, 2009:
Today, TJ beat me to church. He called to check on me because I was running late. I was happy to see him. I love him. Brayden went home with him while I went to Sunday school. When I got home, he seemed almost nervous to be around me. We talked a little bit but not much. The boys kept coming in and out of the room. Anyway, I told him I was sorry for all of this and he looked so sad and said you don't have anything to apologize for, this is my fault, remember. I kissed him on the cheek and told him I love you. This is breaking my heart. I am really struggling right now. I know God is in control and I am simply being impatient. God, help me please. I did my Bible study and devotion time late today because of travelling to NC. The following passages spoke to me: John 14:1; Psalm 28:7.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Amen
Monday, February 2, 2009:
I went to sleep praying. I felt better this morning although I was having difficulty focusing on praying when I awakened. I did my Bible study and devotion time, the following was the focus.
You're not the only one who feels the way you do, who asks yourself questions or makes stupid mistakes. Try being honest with others about it. You'll waste a lot of opportunities to grow as a disciple if you pretend to be something you're not. This passage is found in The Gift: The New Testament for New Believers with Psalms and Proverbs. This pertains to the following passage: 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8.
"For our exhortation didn't come from error or impurity or an intent to deceive. Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts. For we never used flattering speech, as you know, or had greedy motives--God is our witness--and we didn't seek glory from people, either from you or from others. Although we could have been a burden as Christ's apostles, instead we were gentle among you, as a nursing mother nurtures her own children. We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:3-8. This passage is followed by the following quotation from Jim Smoke: "Many times our human desire to be acceptable to everyone keeps us from being real in all but the most superficial ways."
Thank you for your patience and kindness. God bless you.
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